This post has been brewing for seven months. I never wrote about it because after exhaustive discussions with friends and my therapist, I figured it out. So when it crept back up recently, I thought writing about it would bring clarity and remind me of what I figured out all those months ago. Here goes.

When John and I were in LA for the Grammys back in February, we talked about moving there. We came close to doing it, but ultimately decided to stay put. I was crushed. I had already moved there in my mind and had created a whole new persona called "California Kim". I went on and on about how sick I was of "Tennessee Kim" and how I couldn't wait to be "California Kim".

Tennessee Kim had just spent her first Christmas separated from her family and was dealing with the grief that came along with that. Tennessee Kim was training for a 70.3 mile race that she didn't want to do. She had just started a business and wasn't sure what direction to take it in. And she was sick of the far-right politics of her home state.

California Kim, on the other hand, she led a happy, balanced, relaxed life where she rode her bike to the farmers market, ate salads and went on hikes. California Kim didn't train, she did what she wanted to do. She became a yoga instructor and dabbled in juicing. California Kim drove a white Fiat and cruised the Sunset strip blasting Father John Misty.

I'm sure I've said this before, but the key to mental health is integration, so it should come as no surprise that living your life as two different people isn't super healthy. Fear not, I'm in therapy. So back in February-March when all of this came to a head, my therapist helped me realize two things:  1) that I had created California Kim because I didn't want to do my race (I was registered for Ironman 70.3 Chattanooga in May), and 2) that I had to merge California Kim with Tennessee Kim.

*Man, this sounds REAL crazy typing all of this out. It felt normal at the time.

This took a couple of months of work, but I figured it out. I quit training for my race and ultimately didn't do it (a race that I had spent upwards of $500 on, by the way). I started buying healthier foods and snacks to keep around the house. I started thinking about if I wanted to think about becoming a yoga instructor. Oh, and I started meditating.

And it worked. I merged the two Kim's, and I've spent the last few months reprogramming the way I think about health and exercise. It's been great!

So here's where I'm at today. I'm registered for a half marathon in December and I'm a week away from being registered for a second half marathon in April. But I don't think I want to do them. I've started upping my mileage on my training runs and my knees hurt. It's affecting my other exercise. It hurt to kick in the pool this week and it hurts to do squats and lunges, which is a big part of what I do with my personal trainer. I'm not injured, it's discomfort, but discomfort is still a pain in the ass.

WWCKD? She'd probably say fuck it and take her laptop to a juice bar and write a compelling blog post on the resurgence of

denim patches

.

What do I do if I'm not a runner? Can I still be a runner if I only do my East Nasty and Pancake runs, but no half marathons? Do I even give a shit? I joined a cycling team. Do I become a cyclist, and if so, how do I become a cyclist in the winter? Do I become a yoga instructor and start juicing? These are my questions.

To be continued.